Phillip Hays
Nobody special by any means, Phillip has spent the past 8 years of his life in the service of one bookstore or another. He can claim no achievements in his 30 glorious years of breathing, nor can he lay claim to any grand ideas or worthwhile aspirations. He is basically a waste of space who spends his time getting fat, not dancing and reading whatever it is he considers to be readable. Let’s forgo our usual interaction, where I recommend a book and you smile politely while backing slowly towards the door; instead, here are the first paragraphs of each book. They sell themselves.
The Areas of My Expertise
by John Hodgman
"Good Evening. My name is John Hodgman. I am not using a pseudonym.
As you may know, I was once a PROFESSIONAL LITERARY AGENT and high-powered media insider. In my day, I represented some of the finest young writers of our time, negotiating the sale of their books to publishers as well as their translation rights, screen rights, mustache fees, and bobblehead figurines. For this, I would receive a 15% commission, which is entirely standard, except for the bobblehead figurines, for which I received a 100% commission, because I carved the figurines myself, and my clients did not know they existed. This is also entirely standard and should not be questioned."
Moving Pictures
by Terry Pratchett
"Watch...
This is space. It’s sometimes called the final frontier.
(Except that of course you can’t have a final frontier, because
there’d be nothing for it to be a frontier to, but as frontiers go,
it’s pretty penultimate...)"
Even More Letters from a Nut
by Ted Nancy
"Dear Hotel Agra Ashok:
I have been recommended by pebble venders to your 27 star hotel.
I need a room for 1 week starting Jul 21st, 1999. I will be arriving by turtle.
I have a problem which i would like to address while visiting a new hotel. I eat the drapes..."